“The Sound Of Music” & Why It Scares The Funk Out Of Me

I’ve watched Eraserhead, The Exorcist, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and countless other films that by there originally description can be seen to freak and scare people witless. However for me, a hit Rodger & Hammerstein musical involving a nun, a lovely family and beautiful mountain scenery is the one that sends shivers down my spine – Till this day, I have only seen it once. (Note:  At the time of viewing I was sober; not drunk or on some hallucinating drugs. In addition to create this blog, I could only read the script)   

• The beginning starts like The Shining – camera panning over mountain scenery – What happened within the Kubrick film? a flipping bleeding elevator!
• The nuns act like Maria, is a mental nut – just because she always likes going outside & singing! They seem to have a totalitarian 1984 look on the world
• Von Trapp family. TRAP. Clue is in the name – just like Damien in The Omen, Dr Evil, Scrooge etc.. 
• The children had 12 governesses , before Maria (think Damien from The Omen X 7* killing everyone of them 
• All the kids are in age/height order! That is too precise – Did the Nazi's & their genetic experiments start before the war with the Von Trapp’s?     Note the blond hair, blue eyes of some of the kids.
• German names – OK Austrian, but they still sound evil.
• Captain Trapp bounds about, sticking to orders & running by the book.       In comparison Maria is a hippy. I’m sure at the time this was made (1963) America did not like hippies or communists.
• ‘My Favourite Things’ – is sung during a thunder & lighting storm…..think satanic verses
• ‘Do-Re-Mi’ - More like a spell for a potion, just like those 3 witches in Macbeth.
• By the time the Captain returns from somewhere– The children are happy to wear lederhosen made out of flowery curtains???                                  No child can be that happy, wearing Lederhosen! What has Maria done? Cast them under a spell using both of those previous songs -  Which were led by her & have the children join in by second chorus, boosting the satanic verse and spells magical properties.
• ‘So long Farewell’ – Sounds like a pre-emptive firing squad song before they FIRE.
• The way Maria talks about being in love with Captain is more like she is being hypnotised into loving him “I could hardly breathe. -Did you let him see your feelings? -I don't know. That's what's torturing me. I was on God's errand.”

This video agrees with my theory that something creepy is going on

 

Now I know musical’s have impromptu signing and dancing. But each song here is used as a form of escapism to such a far extent from Nazi's or feelings. That how can it be right? Its like stating, that we could of kept the Nazi’s from taking over Europe if we just sang songs. I bet the Von Trapp’s in the sequel, would reprise ‘My Favourite Things’ whilst bombs were dropping – and little Brigitta Von Trapp laid on the floor with her guts hanging out.

They just can’t sing until it goes away – & thus that is why it freaks me out.

* Though yes, in The Omen his nanny is a servant of the Devil – However could/does Maria fulfil the same role?

Breakfast Machines

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, it boosts our energy, fills us full of fibre and gets us ready to battle evil ex’s and stuff.

However it is a bloody pain – your tried, groggy and putting bread in the toaster or even getting round to frying an egg just seems far too much effort.

So below is a selection of the greatest ever machines that can create breakfast for you.

’Pee Wee’s Big Adventure’ is Tim Burton’s first full length movie and is so weird that Mr T cereal seems the most rational thing in the whole movie. 

Ahh ‘Honey, I Blew Up The Kid’ I’m sure most wives would say ‘I think its best for the kids if I divorce you’ after the first film, here however she stays with him and guess what they only go and blow up the kid, still at least the toast isn't burnt.

Wallace is the greatest inventor of our time, he doesn't even have to burn off calories dressing himself in the morning. Still his breakfast machine has issues 1) Criminal penguins 2) The fact that having a side-kick dog who understand machinery is hard to come by these days.

My vision of purgatory is one in which everyday at breakfast, your dad is all chirpy and before you even sit on the steps with him he has planned a song about togetherness, being together forever and ever and ever and ever – which cunningly always finishes as soon as his breakfast is ready; us kids just get stale bread – swine.

Then there is the ‘Back To The Future’ Doc Brown Breakfast Machine is one that goes totally wrong - burning toast, exploding eggs and the dog food missing Einstein's bowl. It is so wrong you can’t even find it on YouTube just in case others try and recreate it.

Each of these machines is called a ‘Rube Goldberg machine’, a machine that over complicates a simple everyday task.

You may of noted that most of the above examples involved a mad inventor character  - well yes mad scientist do need a machine to make breakfast.

In reality however it was the film directors that wanted/needed the breakfast machine; what with them doing most of the work (cough* getting the credit; cough*) they saw it as a valuable commodity towards finishing the film.

I leave you with Family Guy Peter’s attempt; whilst I start to plan my breakfast machine

The Only Hero The World Needs

During the early 90’s, Superhero cartoons and TV shows were kicking ass. There was the Marvel cartoons of Spiderman and X-men, Power Rangers and this guy

CAPTAIN PLANET.

The most righteous, camp, mullet haired superhero ever!
He has no clear super ability, so he is able to do basically anything!                                                  

In addition he taunts baddies with puns and has the amazing catchphrase of – The Power Is Yours.

 I think Brad Pitt could play him in the movie

So what's his deal then

Gaia (Mother Earth) wakes up and finds out that the human race is destroying the planet, so she sends out 5 magic rings that control elements of nature (Earth, Wind, Fire, Water and Heart) to 5 special youngsters named the planeteers, who then travel the world defeating the bad guys. If they are really in trouble they put the power of the 5 rings together and BAM, Captain Planet saves the day.

FACT: Many famous actors voiced characters in the 113 episodes – Jeff Goldblum, Meg Ryan, Whoopie Goldberg, Sting, Dan Ackroyd &  Elizabeth Taylor

the Eco-Villains are the best though.

• Hoggish Greedly: Pig like human representing overconsumption
• Looten Plunder: Greedy businessman representing uncontrolled capitalism
• Duke Nukem: A radioactive mutant to do with nuclear power
• Verminous Skumm: A rat creature representing poor sanitation
• Dr. Blight: Mad scientist who uses uncontrolled technology
• Captain Pollution: Opposite of Captain Plant (obviously) He once reproduced the 5 rings into evil  versions of Radiation, Deforestation, Smog, Toxics and Hate.

FACT: Has the title for first ever kids cartoon, to deal with HIV/Aids and to mention sex.

The episodes are very over-the-top. In the episode 'Polluting by Computer’ the Eco-Villains break into the government computer system and change all the National Parks stats so they can dump toxic waste there……..OK some of you are now saying that’s not that far fetched. 

It would be great if Captain Planet returns to the screen. Teaching more kids about the issues around climate change, waste, sanitation and all things sustainable. Its message would be as clear as ever, as every kid knows about recycling and wind-farm these days. I think they just need two more Eco-Villains. one to do with oil and the other to do with government.

Who else agrees with me?

Best pub in the world :– AKA - Home

I am now a Londoner,

Since moving here for university in September 2006, I have spent roughly 32 months listening to planes going to & from Heathrow and resenting the fact I leave near Twickenham Stadium which on match days is a pain in the arse. 

But its the other months I want to concentrate on  (quick maths – 15 months since Sept 2006 have been spent elsewhere)

And there is only one place you would of found me - and that place is what I call home – others may call it

   THE CARLTON

Yes I do have a family within Pakefield and technically most of my possessions are within my parents house – but as soon as I get of the train, say hello to dad. My next statement is ‘Can you drop me off at the pub, please?’

Some may also say - ‘it isn't the pub, its because your Lowestoft mates (Merry Men) are just sat in there’

But there is a reason for why they are sat in there – Its because its the bestest best pub in the land of unemployment, chavs, old people and occasional sunshine.

The facts to prove this are -

Great bar staff We have our own corner Small selection of beer (we don't want to be overwhelmed) Great alcoholics Weekend party atmosphere

TV’s for sport IT box Pool & Darts Live music Lock-ins conversation oddities

Maybe it is sad that the one building I care about more in the world is a pub……Well I don't give one, it deserves the title and from next Wednesday until Sunday afternoon I will spend most of my hours at The Carlton’s bar or within our own Merry Men corner on the nice red comfy seats.

I Cannot wait!!!!

                                             The Carlton Needs You

Mecury Music Prize 2010

So the nominations are in for the 2010 Mercury Music Prize. Now we could start bickering about who should have been on the list ‘cough Delphic cough’ but it is the lucky 12 on the list we have to listen to and debate.
No standout tracks, as it is about the whole album

The XX – XX
The Favourite horse to back
Time to listen= morning
Mood= waking up, docile
Sounds like= Fever Ray, The Whitest Boy Alive, Massive Attack

Laura Marling – I Speak Because I Can
A person who is younger, folksy and more talented then you
Time to listen= 10am
Mood= curling into a blanket, drinking coco mood
Sounds like = Nick Drake, Bright Eyes, Cat Power

Corinne Bailey Rae - The Sea
Ally Mcbeal’s soundtrack to when she likes a guy but isn’t sure if he likes her.
Time to listen= midday
Mood= relationship worries
Sounds like= Norah Jones, Macy Gray, John Legend

Paul Weller – Wake Up The Nation
The MOD king is back
Time to listen= early afternoon
Mood= waking up, toe tapping
Sounds like= Elvis Costello, Graham Coxon, Stereophonics

Mumford And Sons – Sigh No More
Filling in that gap within the UK folk market
Time to listen= afternoon
Mood= feeling on the edge of great
Sounds like= Regina Spektor, Fleetwood Mac, Paolo Nutini

Villages – Becoming A Jackal
State this band if you want to seem heartfelt and acoustic
Time to listen= 3pm
Mood= kinda annoyed, sleepy
Sounds like= Turin Brakes, Simon & Garfunkel, Fleet Foxes

Biffy Clyro – Only Revolutions
A band that fan base is teenage girls and spotty blokes
Time to listen= straight after school
Mood= when the world sucks, your parents won’t listen, the acne is annoying
Sounds like= Incubus, My Chemical Romance, 30 Seconds To Mars

Foals – Total Life Forever
One of those bands, whose name crops up everywhere.
Time to listen= early evening
Mood= waiting for something to happen
Sounds like= The Maccabees, Two Door Cinema Club, Bombay Bicycle Club

Wild Beasts - Two Dancers
Kate Bush after her sex change
Time to listen = sunset.
mood = feeling upbeat, but don’t want to exert any energy
Sounds like = Elbow, Kate Bush, Grizzly Bear

Dizzee Rascal – Tongue In Cheek
Even those kids that are all about the guitars love a bit of Dizzee
Time to listen= soon to head out at get drunk time
Mood= party
Sounds like= Jay-Z, Kele, Basement Jaxx

I am Kloot – Sky At Night
Home from pub, need some music
Time to listen = after closing time
Mood= tipsy, but meaningful
Sounds like= Stephen Fretwell, Embrace, Richard Ashcroft

Kit Downes Trio – Golden
Welcome to jazz club, Nice.
Time to listen= 4am
Mood= cultural
Sounds like= sorry I don’t know my jazz

So who will win, this very acoustic year?

Well even if Kit Downes Trio had Ron Burgundy on jazz flute, they wouldn’t win.
Dizzee Rascal is way to mainstream and the album isn’t that revolutionary.
Whilst Paul Weller could just get it for old times’ sake.

But the main contenders are The XX, Foals, Laura Marling and Wild Beasts – The rest of the artists are just pure stocking filler.

Though sods law Mumford and Sons will win it.

Who do you think will win?

Captain America Vs the World

I like Captain America.
Not because I’m a secret American patriot – I’m a proper British gent who likes tea and the word trousers. It is because out of all the superhero legends out there – he just cannot at all fit into the modern world

The main problem is his total persona of  ‘American’ patriotism.
Now they is nothing wrong with being patriotic – I just fit into the crowd of pure cynics who cannot comprehend Americans passion and who puts it on level par with dictator celebration just to annoy them.

            The Siamese quads have a nice day out

Back in the days of WWII he fitted in perfectly, he helped enlist American men, he made a nation believe they could win the war and he defeated the most evil Nazi of them all (Red Skull)

Comic book-writers though, could not let him lie down his shield and retire. He appears again and again woken up from cryogenic freezing in the following decades, having to face bigger distain towards American globalisation.

Ronald McDonald is the symbol of fast food, Captain America is the symbol of Americanisation and we know how popular there are these days! 

This distain may go a little bit unnoticed within the USA, however with a Captain America film on the horizon, then the following ‘The Avengers’ movie- producers might have to account for how the world feels.

They can either stick to their guns, and have it 100% patriotic, leading to huge profit within the good ole’ USA but a $0.00 profit around the rest of the world.
Or they could (unlikely) have the character realise he is a national gimmick laughed at internationally, a corporate brand just like Dr Manhattan, that the fact as he stands for 100% Americanism he could gain more enemies then the Bush administration. 

Either way it will be a huge political film – debated among patriots, cynics, communist, capitalists, terrorists, geeks and it will have explosions!  

Naps

This is a pointless blog really, because we all know how fantastic naps are.
Whether they take place mid-morning, lunchtime, on the train, at work, when you get home from work, continually throughout the day – NAPS ARE BRILLIANT.

I bet one day a scientist was caught on the job napping and instead of getting sacked he was able to get away with ‘research’ thus studies have been done stating that it can lower stress levels, increase productivity, improve memory, boosts energy and creativity as well as improves health all round. I even read that it will make you live longer!

Cats figured this out centuries ago. We state man’s best friend is the dog but in reality we want to be cats – going about our business not caring about boundaries or being told off, catching birds, staring into the vague distance like we notice something no human can comprehend and of course just sleeping all day long.

my favourite napping place is the couch. any couch seems to have the ability to make a proper nights sleep uncomfortable, but a 40min power nap an amazing life-affirming experience

Many would agree with this, managers and mothers will say otherwise and will rabbit on about being a lazy, no good, wasteful cretin!

YAWN, Well I am now quite tired, 218 words is a lot and I feel like I deserve a quick nap.