The Problem with X-Men Origins: WOLVERINE

I cannot contain myself no longer- a rant about one of the worst films ever made is needed. X-Men Origins: WOLVERINE

Bad Ass Wolverine                                                      Camp Wolverine

The origin part lasted..oh… the first 5 minutes of the film. we had the realisation that James Howlett (yes his adopted name – Logan was his real father's name) had bone claws, that sabertooth was his brother and that they are over 200 years old.

I would of rather see them both growing up during this, then the tripe of the following 2 hours. They didn't go into the whole James realising Logan was his farther, realising that he is a freak of nature, that sabertooth is the reason he (well we would like to think) is a bad ass and that when he was first shot during the American revolution he found out that he was invincible and stayed that same Hugh Jackman age for the rest of his life!

See in one paragraph I have created a better film then any Hollywood script writer.

Instead we find ourselves in the 1960’s (though I’m pretty sure all costumes are modern dress-wear). We could of seen Wolverine with a mop-top or as the film progresses into the 70’s imagine him in flares and with an afro!

I have grown up thinking Wolverine is great and though he has a good side he always acts like a twat. (look at the first X-men for proof) Here he is a fucking bed-wetter. Ryan Reynolds steals the show as Deadpool and he only has about 5 minutes screen time. too bad during this he is stuck next to Will.i.am. You know a movie is going to be crap when a hip-hop star is involved.

Anyways so they all do some stuff as a team (Team X by the way – did Xavier just nick this idea for his men or did he buy the rights to have the X Team), then Wolverine decides he doesn't want to be part of it because his team are killing people (!!!!!) and then he’s married, sabertooth ‘kills her’ cue embarrassing moment of Wolverine shouting NOOOOOO over her dead body. Followed by the younger version of Brian Cox turning up and saying ‘ hey would you like some metal claws’

The moment when the film entirely goes to shit is when during the procedure younger Brain Cox’s states ‘when he wakes erase his memory’. Now to my mind it would be much easier to do this at the being of the procedure – not when he has a new metal skeleton, Oh hang on cue the slow motion Wolverine rising out of the bath tub looking all mean and grrr with his fake CGI claws.

(note: They didn't even have to have the bit about him having bone claws, some comics only have his ability to not die – thus he gets the claws implanted because he can stand the pain)

He then runs around naked for a bit to keep the girls in the audience awake. until he reaches a barn owned by a sweet old couple. Ahhhh Wolverine acts all sweet and charming – are we meant to laugh at the point he cuts up a sink, or cringe at Jackman’s crap comedic performance?? The old couple also (for some reason that can only be explained in the script writers mind) completely change his sense of fashion! I’m sure he discovered leather jackets and motorbikes way before this old couple did.

Then their dead and wolverine cry's a little bit and kills the bloke who shot them within an action scene that on paper looks amazing, within film looks like the CGI project of a work experience boy.

So wolverine then goes and meets that hip-hop star and The Blob (meh) he then goes with the hip-hop star to meet up with Gambit. Hip-hop star dies (YAYYYYY!)

What the fuck did they do to Gambit! I loved him in the cartoon, he was street smart and he had a weird but cool dress sense – his ability was also ace. In this they make his kinetic force power look as stupid as his hair coupled with his twirling cane. For a character that in the comics can fly and travel through time, he seems to have quite a lot of trouble with climbing up a wall!

Cyclops turns up at this point for no flipping reason. Plus this then fucks up the timeline. These events happen in the 70’s so that would mean come X-men movies Scott is in his 50’s. WRONG. Patrick Stewart also turns up, as some sort of freaky CGI Botox man. He looks like a face drawn on your knee.

Gambit takes Wolverine to the secret lab via plane, Wolverine jumps out of said plane into deep water. can he float? wouldn't the weight of metal mean that he will always drown? They don't answer this question so we then automatically find ourselves in a mutant lab, Wolverine helps everyone escape and then gives up on killing his brother (YAWN)  and then weapon XI stands in a doorway like some poor mans Darth Maul and then they fight.

How could they kill the coolest thing in the movie – Ryan Reynolds by making him this stupid silent bald bloke. I would love for they to be a Deadpool movie – hopefully it will have nothing to do with this shite.

We then get to the bit when Wolverine loses his memory, by being shot in the head with a bullet made out of the same metal within his bones. Yet again only the scriptwriter can fathom why this makes perfect sense. What about the kid with the two different coloured eyes, who is a big part in X-Men 2 and is seen here within an ice block. why didn't his dad just unthaw him and make him erase Wolverine’s mind. Plus he could of erased Sabertooth’s mind and it would make perfect sense to why they act as strangers in the first movie.

Thankfully its the end. If you bother to watch till the end of the credits, a little scene shows you why the whole film is crap. Wolverine is in a Japanese bar and is asked by the barmaid ‘drinking to forget’ ‘no, drinking to remember’ even Eastenders scripts are better then this.

So to sum it up Wolverine is a disappointment to fans because

A) They make Wolverine nice

B) Too many characters and a Hip-Hop star

C) Bad dialogue, bad CGI, bad plot, bad costume, bad editing, bad acting

D) They are plans for a second movie – all about Wolverine learning samurai skills in Japan (none of these skills ever turned up in the X-men films) this concept is from a cult graphic novel, thus I hope they keep to its structure then rather gearing it up into Hollywood crap. But I guess that is just a dream.

Any more comments please add